Futurama

The direct to DVD futurama movies get better with each one?

I think?

I'm not sure, theyre all funny--

--but kind of terrible.

Benders Game was going somewhere till like 3/4 of the way through when its like, nope, now its a LOTR parody.

Both parts made me laugh, I think.

But they aren't movies.

I'm not sure.

I know I like them, I'm just not sure why.

other than that there funny.

Does it need to be more complicated than that?

Kinda.

Really?

Nah, They're sweet.

the Pittsburgh Steelers

Did you hear about how AMC is programming all three Oceans 11, 12, and 13 movies if the Pittsburgh Steelers win the Superbowl.

Get it. The Stealers.

I can't believe AMC would be making such an awful pun, aren't they creators of Mad Men???

- KURT

Homo Erectus (2009) Review

This movie is actually called the Stoned Age, which is retarded, because that is already a movie.

The title I heard it under was Homo Erectus, so that is what I will continue to call it. This is also the only image I could find, and on Netflix, the DVD says "Homo Erectus," not "The Stoned Age."

First of all, this movie is produced by National Lampoon, and considering this is after 1990, there is probably zero value in that namesake.

And by probably, I mean definitely. I am pretty forgiving on comedies. If it makes me laugh, its alright. But this movie sucked 100 dicks. It's written/directed by/starring Adam Rifkin, who is a cool screenwriter (Chase, Small Soldiers, Dark Backward), and a cool director (Detroit Rock City). And you know what? He's not even that bad of an actor. He's surrounded by talented people as well - Ali Larter (hot), Tom Arnold (great), Gary Busey (even greater), David Carradine (outside of Kill Bill does anyone respect him?) It just kind of sucks. I don't know it's stupid.

It's like a Woody Allen movie set in the stone age, if Woody Allen was kind of hacky and used shitty voiceover, and spent a month in the desert just being generally awful.

So yeah, final review: "Sleeper set in the Stone Age, if Woody Allen wasn't talented or funny."

It wasn't that bad. watchable, I guess? not really.

Homo Erectus (2009) C-

I HATE THIS FUCK

I hate this fuck.

If i wanna see akward motherfuckers I'll call some of the kids I went to college with and didn't think were funny up and ask them to sing The Guess Who's "These Eyes." You know how I think it'll go? EXACTLY the way Michael Cera sang it in superbad.

Now I admit I was into fuck on Arrested Development. (Who Wasn't?) But guess what, Michael Cera, you've been playing the same exact character for this entire decade.

Time to try something new, buddy.

Now some might claim I am being hypocritical by this next statement, and I am, but I don't give a shit.

So help me God, Michael Cera, if you are responsible for the Arrested Development movie not happening, I will mouth fuck you with a shotgun. I won't shoot, but it'll hurt (emotionally and physically) regardless.

I understand that it was hypocritical to ask him to return to one of his old characters, when just a paragraph before I requested that he try something new.

Try something new after you do the project you were born to do (the best TV show of the decade only gets a movie opportunity once.) Try not being awkward, once you've finally completed the awkward circle of George Michael Bluth. And he is the ONLY one holding out. What the fuck you little fuck. Why do you consistently have to fucking ruin everything. I say they go forward with you and it ends your career. That would be fucking epic.

Recently Jeffrey Tambor (George Sr.) was quoted as saying "If I have to call him up and say, 'Get on set right now, young man' he'll be there...The movie is gonna happen this year."

What a fucking brat. Listen to your elders you twat. Make that movie happen, and then quit acting.

The Beach

This is a good movie with one fucking awful scene. If people hated this movie because of this one stupid fucking scene I would tell them that they were right to hate it.

The scene I'm talking about, the one where Dicraprio is like hallucinating in the Jungle (2 Jungle) and thinks hes in a video games or something. I'm not sure, it's dumb.

I know this isn't a new criticism so fuck you. I know that I have heard this criticism before I saw the movie, but I don't care.

In fact as I attempt to google image search a screen cap of that scene, I find tons of reviews being like "one scene dumb."

I don't care that I'm not bringing anything new to the table. That's not the point I'm making. I think its a sweet movie and the DUMB FUCKING video game scene doesn't bother me, because it's surrounded by sweetness.

But I understand how some much shittier fuck could be bothered by it.

I have no points worth making.

*gun in mouth*

Paul Blart: Mall Fart

a friend of mine worked on this movie. he's happy it's making money. i've got mixed feelings.

three friends saw this movie today. they liked it. i'm doubtful.

don't come at me claiming i'm some film school douche. i'm pretty distant from that. to be rebellious in film school you need to think films like this look dope.

and i'm a rebel. but even i can't admit that this doesn't look like a piece of shit.

i had to use a double negative right there, because i can't openly admit how farty this movie looks, because a friend of mine worked on it, and his feelings would be hurt.

screw you trevor.

New in Town

There is not a person in the WORLD who wants to see this movie.

No one, wants to see it. I can’t get over this. There isn’t a person that is like “Renee Zellwegger and Harry Connick Jr. That’s a relationship I can fucking get behind.”

THEY DON’T CARE. I bet because I’m a proponent for not caring about this movie, I am thus the person who cares about it the most.

My prediction for box office gross: $0.

I don’t think ANYONE is gonna see this movie.

This isn’t exaggerated hyperbole either. When I say no one, i mean NO ONE.

I know this is getting redundant, but I need to keep harping on it to prove how serious I believe what I am saying.

Come Friday, no one will be in any seat in front of any screen showing this movie. American’s would rather choke on dicks Lions Gate.

Lions Gate? Don’t you guys specialize in Horror Movies?

You know what will be horrifying? Not make a fucking cent on this future Guinness Book World Record Holder for least interesting movie.

Oh yeah, btw, they already made this movie, it’s called Sweet-Home Alabama. HMMMMMM. Reese WithersPOON or Renee Zellwegger?

Plus this movie just looks more awful.

By more awful, I mean infinitely more awful. So much so that nobody will ever go see it.

You wanna know how good the DVD sales are gonna be?

This Good.

Bennifer!

Just reading this article on Tradingmarkets. com about two films filming in Massachusetts. Kevin James' Mall Cop and Ricky Gervais' This Side of the Truth. The article was basically about how people are pouring out in droves to be extras in both of these movies. But I came across this one quote that was pretty fantastic.

"I came to see all of the hype and everything, I've been waiting for all of these movies to shoot in the area," he said. "I'm looking forward to working with Jennifer Garner because I'm a big Ben Affleck fan," Gibbons said. "Anyone who is somehow connected with Ben Affleck has to be a good person."

WHAT?

Why would?

I dont...

pffffffffffffff.

21 REVIEW

21 is exactly how it looks. Kind of good, kind of boring, very predictable. Everyone in it is passable. That fucking lead is gay though. I haven't seen Across the Universe, but I already hate him. Everyone I know hates that movie so much, that I'm gonna be a member of a Sheep herd and follow that herd into know that I'm pretty positively sure that It'll suck. DICK!

I haven't read "Bringing Down the House." The book it's based on. NOT that Queen Latifah movie. I already made that mistake by renting the movie, because I thought it was this movie. Trust me -- It's not about poker. But that Queen Latifah, huh? I'd like to Poke her. PUN! I bet the book is great. I bet it get's into poker theory. I bet it teaches you to count cards. I bet you really root for these people. In the movie, they're all just kind of pretty douchebags. I found myself relating to the two nerds that he leaves behind at MIT. My friend Jake said that we'd be really good at those parts. I could have played the Fat Guy from "Back to You" and Jake could have played the American Idol terrorist from "American Dreamz." Those are the movies that those two dudes are from.

Kevin Spacey kind of sucks.

Not just in this movie. Kind of in everthing. After American Beauty, he hasn't really been good. Maybe he was never good, and people just liked him. And they all bought into the hype. I don't know. But he sucks so much now. I mean sure he's passable, but for a guy that's won two oscars, you should be a fuck of a lot better ALL OF THE TIME.

The Movie: It was just okay. It was predictable at every turn. He needs money. He gets a plan to make money. Something bad happens to make him lose the money. He has to earn it back. I never realized that structure can be so boring. Structure is there to guide you along a movie - but I really feel like the screenwriters read Robert McKee's STORY, and were like. Cant change anything need to follow everything to a T. and it was kind of boring, because of that.

It was also about 20 minutes too long. It being about 2 hours. My buddy Topher said it was 40 minutes too long, but he's fucking retarded. That wouldn't even be full length.

One thing they did really well is capture Boston, Cambridge, MIT. It made me really nostalgic for my home city.

It was okay. Not bad. Not good. Exactly how it looked in the trailer. You see it and go "that looks okay." I bet no one in the world was like "gotta see it. I will kill myself if I don't see that movie." If you did say that. You suck. It doesn't look that good.

7/10

JASON LEE IN ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS

I'm not gonna review this film - as you basically know how it's going to be. It's a piece of shit, but there's some stuff to like about it. blah blah blah.

This would actually be an okay movie if it wasn't for the worst performance I've seen in a professional movie since Harvey Keitel in Two Evil Eyes. (It's Fucking Terrible)

Jason Lee isn't the greatest actor of all time. In fact, he hardly feels professional at all, considering he's gone from a pro skateboarder to an independent film actor. But I think that he's been pretty great a couple of times. Mallrats, Chasing Amy, his Voice work in The Incredibles. But he really looks like he isn't even trying in Alvin and the Chipmunks.

His Alvin! Alvin! ALLLVINNNNN!!!!! is the most pathetic fucking line delivery i've seen ever -- and this is including every shitty student film at Emerson.

This is a career killing performance. Let's see what he does next.

THE RUINS REVIEW

I was excited for The Ruins because I'm a horror junkie, and an R rated horror film is hard to come by. Also, it looked pretty decent, and it was written by Scott B. Smith who wrote a Simple Plan. I think that's a fucking great movie, so I'm willing to, at the very least, check out any movie he writes that doesn't look like a bag of shit.

Note. These are the only two movies he's written. I think I'm probably gonna pick up one of his books and give it a read. I'm a shithouse about reading though. In the past two years I've read 3 books. Before that, I can't remember a book I read for pleasure. This is neither here nor there, because books suck.

The Ruins was actually pretty good. Both the chicks are hot, one of them shows their tits.

Plot Sum: Some kids go to some Ruins in Mexico that are off the map. They get attacked by killer vines at the Ruins, and are holed there by surviving Mayan people who won't let them leave, so they don't spread the virus.

I don't know. It's cool. It's pretty creepy. The plants do some scary shit. Other than the supernatural shit, it totally feels like something you could accidentally stumble into and be fucked. Like if you were like "hey buddies, lets go see this thing." and then you do, but you weren't supposed to be there, so some fuckings Mayans blow a whole in your brain.

There was this sequence where the two girls had to go down into the Mayan temple. The girls were like "why us?" And the guys were like, because you would be too weak to pull us up. And I was thinking how that would relate to me, and how it was awesome, because I would be way too fat to have to go into the Ruins. I would be the dude that just sat back and was like "I'm too fat to go into the Ruins, you wouldn't be able to get me back up." I'd totally die first in like any other horror movie though. But in the Ruins I'd at least last a little while.

Maybe you wanna die first in a horror movie. So you can't get vines in your pussy.

8.5/10